I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
