it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
