There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
