Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
