My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
