if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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