oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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