Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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