I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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