the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
