Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
