can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
