Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How's work?
Spinning.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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