That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
