2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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