youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
