I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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