apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
