she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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