i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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