Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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