me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
