dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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