WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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