Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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