i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
