Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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