I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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