How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
