I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
