naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
