I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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