It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
