my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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