Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
