Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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