We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
