I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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