...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
