you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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