I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
