And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
