Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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