I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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