wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
