He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i think my mom watched the whole time
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
