see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
it was like eating out sand paper
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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