Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
