well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
