How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
