I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
