I'm so fucking centered right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
