I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
