So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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